Is my heart still alive?

My posts are mostly in a melancholic tone. The songs I listen and quotes I share make people think I’m depressed or sad. They think I need to cheer up. They’re wrong.

After almost 1.5 years, when the wreck of my life happened (yes, I’m a writer and I exaggerate), I lost two things. One was her, the second was myself.

I have recovered from her memories and feelings. She’s a distant past that I can no longer remember clearly. But still, in the process of cutting her loose from my life, I have killed my ability to feel.

I can no longer be happy. I’m not sad either. I’m really, nothing. I feel a vacuum inside, that sucks away anything I should feel.

When something good happens, and I know I should feel good. A subconsciously controlled smile do appears, but I’m drained of all the hormones that produce emotions. Or my receptors are dead? Maybe I have lost my faith in emotions.

When I was trying to get myself out of that depression, trying to move on, trying to get you out of my mind. I did something unknowingly. I removed myself, because you were a part of me. And that was the only way I could do away with you. Just like Voldemort had to kill Harry to kill the part of himself that lived in him.

It’s safer this way. I no longer stands to get hurt. But I do miss it sometimes. Sometimes when something sad happens, I go to a corner and try to feel sad, nothing works. Sometimes I play the songs we used to listen together, hoping maybe your memories will make me choke. I do feel suffocating but not a single tear. And that’s just my anxiety.

Accidents, failure, pain and even death doesn’t move me the slightest. I’m numb forever. Whenever a person tries to love me and I know I should reciprocate, I’m not able to. I feel like dead inside. I don’t even expect love. Love, for which once I gave everything I had..

If you’re listening, I just want to say a thing. You left, no worries. Part of life. People come, people go. But you forgot to return me to myself. And now I look for that in places I can’t find. Just keep it safe. It’s where it belongs.

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